The elderly Delta representative made me grovel to let me check my bags because she said I was making her do things “down to the wire” which was unfair to her, the pilots, and everyone at JFK.
I got there over an hour early. Not the “2 hour” norm that most old people advocate for– but plenty of time. She went to a back room with my passport and returned about 10 minutes later.
Anyway after telling me that she could lose her job for helping me and making me promise to “never do this to an airport every again,” she told me I was going to have to run in order to catch my flight.
She said, “you will not be able to do this again. I pulled your record and made sure.”
In security, I checked the time, 5:50. And my flight left 6:40. I was very confused about the apparent surplus of time I had. Yet, due to the extreme reprimant I received earlier, I took her advice and knocked people out of the way so I could run to gate 29.
With 2 backpacks swinging from side to side and my pants falling down (no time to put belt back on) I ran as fast as I could. Cottonmouth set in. Sweat blurred my vision.
As I approached the gate, I was fully prepared to yell, “DON”T CLOSE THAT DOOR!” and dramatically make it on plane.
However, there was no one closing a door. In fact, boarding hadn’t even started. The screen read “boarding will being soon.”
Well, thanks Delta rep for making me simultaneously feel guilty for shutting down JKF and also more stressed that I was going to miss my plane.
I went a bought a muffin and had plenty of time to finish it before pre-boarding even started.
Ryan’s friend keeps trying to get him to get off the couch and go partying, but Ryan won’t get up.
-Sex! Ale! Ryan?
When I was new to the city, I had a mental list of things I thought might happen to me sooner or later. For example, falling down when the subway starts– done. Stepping in vomit– done. Seeing a B-list actor walking on the street– done (thank you Lee Pace).
This list has also included things that, against the odds, have not yet come to pass.
I am still waiting to be assaulted by crazy person. Actually, just last week, a homeless man fell on me at a bus stop, but you could hardly call that assault.
I still haven’t been stopped by a cable-tv fashion police show. Even that one day when I wore a striped tie and a striped shirt.
And I still haven’t been hit by a cab or a bicyclist even though I take the “frogger” approach to crossing streets in Manhattan.
BUT just minutes ago, IT happened. This IT is highest on the echelon of ITs, as in, I said it would happen, but I never really thought it would.
A bird flew into my face.
No way! was my first reaction, although the people around me gasped and pointed. The pigeons wing went into my eyeball and it fluttered around in my face for a moment.
As it tickled my nose with its tail feathers, all I could think was, “IT’S HAPPENING!” It flew off my face and landed in the grass. Literally dozen of people were looking at me and were probably very concerned about the huge smile on my face.
I immediately called my mom to let here know that her worst nightmare had happened. As most moms know, eyeballs are the most venerable part of a child’s body and BIRDS are the most germ-filled things on the planet. Something about the ability to fly gives birds the chance to bring the worst virus back to little children who want to touch the dead one that got lodged in the grill of our truck.
So, if I start acting strange in the near future, its probably because of the brain-eating mites that the pigeon planted in my eye.
This one is a story of Pam and her hippy friend Starchild, a horse lover, who advocates for a natural approach to glue Pam’s Geography project together.
Pam! No Paste! Set sap on map.
So this one I composed while on hold with IT at my internship, trying to fix my email.
He won’t, one man, fix a tax if, name, not now, eh?
Not sure about the narrative merits of this one…. perhaps it’s about a lazy politician.
After reading THIS IS A BOOK, by Demetri Martin, I was inspired to write a palindrome. Here is the product of 20 minutes I should have used to do laundry.
Preface: This is a decision one would have to make at a terrible bakery that tries to use every part of the animal in its pastries.
Leg, ab, and liver– OR – Evil DNA Bagel?
Tough decision. I would stick with the leg, ab, and liver.